Lately, I’ve been feeling like nothing is in my control…
Between COVID-19 and changes occurring in my personal life, I feel like my will to accept what is and let go of what isn’t has been tested daily.
I can only parallel my personal experiences to what’s been occurring globally. As we continue to live through the calendar year amid a pandemic, we’re tasked with re-learning how to handle mundane obligations, as well as alter our methods of not only celebrating the blossoms of life but comforting one another through the hardships.
When shopping now, I’m tasked to wear a mask. I’m tasked to wear gloves. I’m tasked to stand six feet behind whoever is in front of me in line.
For those celebrating milestones like graduations or grieving the loss of loved ones, we’ve been tasked to recreate the ways we lift up one another during this time of social distancing.
Now as I was writing my first draft, the word ‘tasked’ kept coming to mind and as I would type it, my spirit would feel heavy. My chest would tighten and my peace would flee. So, as any writer, I took to the dictionary to discover why I was having these anxious feelings and long and behold the definition rendered the clarity I was seeking.
Verb, past tense
assign a piece of work to.
Make great demands on (someone’s resources or abilities)
You see, I’m slowly but surely learning that it’s all about perspective. When I allow myself to feel ‘tasked’ to move on from something or someone; ‘tasked’ to adjust to a new normal; ‘tasked’ to be positive or productive, I’m only adding unnecessary pressure on myself and in hindsight creating an overwhelming burden to ‘perform’.
These types of pressures make us relive the process twice, so I’ve been challenging my perspective on the changes that I’ve been experiencing.
I’m learning that it is a privilege to break old habits, to let go of what no longer serves me, to try my hand again, to struggle through healing, and to make appropriate adjustments. I’m discovering that it’s a privilege regardless of my struggle because it all points forward.
Change is a catalyst for progression — if we allow it — and it shouldn’t be a burden to move forward but a blessing.
It takes a certain type of strength to relinquish control. To allow yourself to go through the messy process of healing and rediscovery.
This week as I was aimlessly scrolling through Instagram, I found a post on we.kareem.’s profile that struck a much-needed chord within.
“healing is a sloppy and reckless affair. you will fall back into several habits unintentionally, break things that you believed were in the process of fixing, play games of hide and seek with self love and your ego, but darling, it is so necessary,” -iambrillyant.
Personally speaking, I believe we have to give ourselves this type of grace daily. We have to be kind to ourselves and show compassion during processes of growth. I say it often, and I’ll say it again “in this life, it’s ebbs and flows” meaning emotions come and go, what hurts now won’t continue to sting quite the same. We just have to give it time, sit tight, and yield to the process.
I just want to encourage each of you as I encourage myself, to welcome your journey in all of its messy glory. Challenge your perspective as you’re experiencing the growing pains. Instead of looking at the process as a task, you must complete to get to the other side, try to look at it for what it truly is: a catalyst towards progression … a chance to grow and ‘get it right’.
Now, listen, I won’t sell you a dream and say it’s easy. If it was we would all do it at the snap of a finger. In total transparency, I often struggle with the difficulties of moving forward, because I want it all to be over and done with quickly. I fight my emotions because they feel redundant, as I grapple to find a place of acceptance. However, just as I said I won’t sell a dream, I must be honest and say the mess that comes with healing is worth your time.
It is 100 percent worth your while to acknowledge every emotion, good and bad. To see yourself for where you are today, and to honor the space you are currently in. It’s worth releasing every chance you get (shoot, even if it takes you practicing the act of releasing five times per day). Whatever the experience looks like for you, just trust, it’s worth your while to yield.
Because day by day as you find yourself discovering your footing, more and more you’ll begin to realize the ways you’ve become better for whatever wills itself next.
This life is messy, but it’s ours to live and I pray you never count yourself out because you’re too fearful to start over again.
Learn to welcome your healing, you’ll be better for it, after having gone through it.
So here’s to the experience: may we fight another day to yield to our journeys and may we continue to bloom together.
with all my light and warmth,