Some things shouldn’t go unnoticed.
Lately, I’ve been really sensitive about the conversations I have and don’t have. I’ve been sensitive about the energy I operate from and the way things leave me.
+ How am I feeling after exchanges and why?
+ How am I speaking of things?
You know things of that nature!
You see I’ve been on a pursuit for purity.
I’ve been grappling with what such looks like and how can I obtain and maintain it —meaning operating from a pure spirit and heart.
This pursuit has begin to alter my desires. I’m now finding myself that these desires are causing me to live up to what I know. To apply what I know to be virtuous.
“I’m focusing more on the energy with which I do things! What’s the spirit behind my actions? What’re my intentions and motives? I’m learning there’s no “small deed”; it all represents the current state of the heart and if I wanna be pure I must first act so! Checking my own temp!”– wordsmithbri’
I’ve always been a person that ‘goes with the flow’ to keep things peaceful. That was the nature I adopted to remain likable.
I’m sure this is a tactic I picked up in early grade-school because it’s been issue for as long as I can recollect.
However, in 2020, life kind of shattered that ideology for me.
Without saying much I had a hell of a year. And I don’t mean that profanely. I mean I had a year where I walked through some fiery spaces, that purged me of a lot. It felt like a social hell.
I won’t go into much now, but I’ll share that I had a man I cared for deeply ghost me after months of ‘entertaining one another’. I’m only mentioning this because after more than 6 months of ‘going with the [his] flow’ I grew very dim. I didn’t realize that my silence regarding my desires, thoughts and stances would play only to my detriment.
You see, I had kept silent in hopes that I’d be deemed as peaceful and easy-going. Someone who could provide a stabilizing energy.
Stability isn’t based on ease, it’s based on consistency. And every time you compromise yourself to appease another, you weaken the ecosystem of the environment you’re in. A space where authenticity is shunned is a space incapable of growth.
So what am I saying?
When we shun ourselves of pursuing truth, we rob ourselves and others of a chance for accountability.
Back to my original thought shared above.
I no longer want to be impure, I no longer want to casually exchange from a state of low energy. I want to be clear, concise and full of light.
And that begins with assessment!
I’m challenging myself to check everything (literally as much as I can) at the door.
No more rude remarks at the expense of others and justifying it as ‘jokes’ when it’s really disgusting feelings of jealousy, disdain, bitterness, pain and much more.
No more gossiping about the affairs of others and sweeping it up as ‘casual conversation’.
No more sweeping the indiscretions of others under the rug as “ not a big deal’ to only switch how I exchange with them later.
Do you send a trend here? No more passive aggression!
+ I want to stand tall in integrity and love.
+ I want to speak my mind from a place of grace and compassion.
+ I want to seek truth in all things, meaning I want to ask questions to gain real clarity rather than to “check someone” or “put something in its place”.
No but seriously, it’s not my job to convict the next person. Conviction comes from the spirit, so it’s never my intent to check someone. Instead it’s my intention to asses myself always, and to speak what’s on my heart in hopes to either reach an understanding or to encourage whomever to deepen their relationship with their own spirit to raise their awareness.
I simply want to focus on aligning myself with what’s integrous and pure.
I keep saying the word integrity because it really means something to me. I want to be remembered as someone who genuinely loved and did right by others.
To me this is one of the only things that matters, not being “liked” .
In reference to what I shared earlier about ‘going with the flow to remained liked by others’: I used to think I was doing so to stay aligned or to keep up with others. As if a group of people I had to compromise myself for was worth ‘keeping up with’.
If I couldn’t show up authentically, I wasn’t moving in alignment.
Look at what I aspired towards? Look at what I allowed to influence me?
I say this because as we self-assess we quickly realize which inspirations and/or aspirations are off kilter.
We quickly see with clear vision the ways we perpetuate toxic energetic flows.
Now, I’m a firm that you aren’t what you do, meaning your God-given being isn’t based on your actions. However, what you habitually practice will begin to reflect in your being.
So please: watch what you allow, watch what creeps in as habit, and trust that when you know more you’ll be better after application.